Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.