Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
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They’re the only culture some people have.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.