If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Florida be like…
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.