Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
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When your best mate counts as a desk too
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
LOL
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what