To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
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Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you