I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.