Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
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You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Important
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Meme Monday.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car