Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?