Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.