HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If you love someone, let them tweet.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.