Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
In case you needed to hear it:
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
*seductively eats two tums*
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.