How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems