7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.