[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
When ur friends with white people
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.