It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
You Might Also Like
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
[eats all your cotton candy]
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow