Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though