Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Always…
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions