Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.