It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes