“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time