My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
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Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
“What?”
– Jude
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.