Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
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ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.