Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
You sure about that?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.