The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*