Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Spa day..😅
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.