Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
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I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?