MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I am HOWLING at this
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
The answer is funnier than the question
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship