Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
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Meow
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.