My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes