[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
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It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?