Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Can’t. Being lazy.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.