And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife