Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.