Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop watching this.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.