first you must answer his riddles
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Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.