Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
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“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
When I pack too much for a short trip.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
called in thicc to work this morning