[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad