I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
sistine chapel
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning