If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care