What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
me before I type out affect or effect
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex