I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
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My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.