Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me sliding into hell like
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.