And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Raisins are grape jerky.