I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
🤭😂
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.