Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
the composer
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
me when the borders lift
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I’M CRYINGGG
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
How funny!
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”