Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
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My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I cannot call her anything else now
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…