They’re not wrong
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.