Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any