*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy