“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”